Channel 7 News

Mommy, what are 'politics'?
miokalia
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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by miokalia » Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:23 pm


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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by Killer Zoids » Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:05 pm

The Lev Insider - 1 sagan unit/1 sagan unit of creds
Vagrants Raze Buildings for Charity
Seven Trillionth Street in downtown Lev Township was the place to be over the weekend, as city officials finally demolished the Eyesore-42, a series of 42 abandoned soviet-era structures to make room for a shopping center, low income housing, and a parkade/Big-Mart.

The event was sponsored by the local PTA, in an effort to raise awareness for the vagrant problem plaguing Seven Trillionth Street. Rather than paying for expert demolition crews, city officials borrowed bleacher seating from the local baseball field, called in carnies, and conscripted the help of the hundreds of vagrants living in the buildings themselves. "They know those buildings better than anyone, might as well be they who tear it down. We just gave em shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, and about a dumptruck full of dynamite and 28 miles of explosive cord, and let them to their vices."

Reports estimated a gross of 2.3 bajillion creds in revenue from the international syndication, tax from sales, ticket prices, and recycling of bricks and panties from the old buildings. The money raised will be used to fund the building of the Seven Trillionth Street mall and housing project, and the relocation of the homeless into those new buildings, with the Big-Mart providing most of the jobs to the homeless.

"It was really win-win for Lev" Ollard Wolffey, a local resident of Seven Trillionth Street told reporters. "We get to turn our frustrations into positive change for Lev."

The audience was encouraged to bring laser pointers and very small hats to give to the homeless. "This one guy kicked out a support, and like, the building fell down around him, it was really lols. He crawled out a few minutes later and started beating on another wall" a little kit in the audience recalled. When asked for her name, her parents said "Look Into My Eye" and pulled their eyelids down.

"We got the media, internet, robots, and panty wagons out for this event" city planner Jorge Horkus said. "Live music, food, and monster trucks too." The abandoned vehicles were towed out the previous day and arranged into a line with opposing ramps for monster truck favorite, "The Cruncher" to drive over.

A random bypasser was seen leaving the scene carrying a brick with a bent piece of steel re-bar under his jacket, "It's a hell of a day at sea, sir."

The mayor Lev commented, "I don't like it." Later he remarked, "please don't quote me on that."

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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by miokalia » Thu May 10, 2012 7:59 pm

dopob

OPINION: KSZ: The Panty Raid: Is not only 'bringing the sexy back', but also, bringing TV back

Panty Raid has got to be the best show on TV. Critics have called it everything from "Unexpectedly intriguing and perpetually surprising comedic romance." to "Basically Sex and the City for Malych and Zoids.". I agree with both of them. In fact, it seems that Panty Raid is actually the first romance aimed towards that particular market segment which is actually watchable and enjoyable for those of us made of meat. Especially compared to other Malychozoidal romance series, like 2002's Phalex which was, pretty much just 44 minute episodes consisting of Ligers in bikinis standing next to industrial equipment that were metaphors for penises. I remember seeing a lot of drill presses in that "show", if you could even call it a coherent show.
Panty Raid actually seems to have actual characters. There's Lolita D'Schneider, and her overwrought dresses which always always end up compromised (revealing, you guessed it, panties) by the end of the episode in some new and sexy fashion. And then there's #MU443 Sammy, who is obsessed with shopping for and trying on, you guessed it, panties. He's also a DUDE.
Then there's the three-piece a-capella Kazian wolf band that shows up all the time, the Cuntry Bois (pronounced as though French, like "Conteer-Bowah"), who lend their vocal range their... you guessed it: hermaphrodism!
Panty Raid is currently in it's third season, and we've already seen a whole smorgasboard of crowd pleasers: From Powercore CEO Catalan's steamy cameo chest shot, to a surprise drop in to an orgy featuring 4 naked EM26's and a very cute, embarassed EM49. To the recurring "Shadowfoxes on the roof" gag where the main character Ligers' neighbors have extremely loud sensual romantic activities on the roof of their downtown Struxtown apartment.
It's great you have to see it.



OPINION: Why Do We Dislike Tom Croise so Much?

Every summer, we're subjected to a barrage of action movies in Kohtohkhan which seem to be engineered to leave the audience feeling empty and hopeless inside. At least until you leave the theater and slowly begin to find some vague sense of comfort in that the world is slightly better than the one in the movie.
With the exception of last year's concurrent adaptation of Mission Impossible. Which was only necessary because recent history has shown that as soon as Tom Croise's name is put on something, nobody wants to actually pay money to see it in a theater (Mission Impossible III, which was widely pirated, and only grossed a staggeringly horrible 900,000 Kts in theaters before the distribution company pulled it due to widespread calls for boycotting Tom Croise.
Instead, a year later, an adaptation of the franchise with a different cast: Mission Impossible: Phantom Procedure, was panned by critics as "probably intentionally terrible, except it's not intentional". The plot revolving around the resurrection of former US president Rutherford B Hayes, who then partakes in a whimsical romp as a James Bondesque super spy who has to stop Egypt from replacing Moscow's water supply with nacho cheese. But more importantly: it was Tom Croise-free. It grossed a much healthier 18 million Kts apparently.

The strange thing is, Tom Croise has never actually said anything to offend this population. All he did was jump up and down on a couch and babble nearly incoherently about the virtues of a cult, the Miokalian branch of which was shut down in jawdroppingly brutal military raid, one which is probably worthy of being recounted in a summer action blockbuster. One I'm sure Tom Croise will not be asked to be a part of.
Well, It seems I was too late to the punch: coming out this summer is Steadfast Resolve, an action drama featuring an all-star cast, based on that very same Operation Bugout raid on the cult's properties in 1993, and the conviction of it's leadership for capital fraud and conspiracy to commit homocide.
It's not like he's starring in the still-pending live-action installment of the Turok franchise. Which as you might assume, is likely a movie engineered specifically to piss off dinosaurs.
If you're not familiar, that series is about some Tarzan guy running around shooting dinosaurs with weapons designed to kill them in increasingly bizarre and gory ways.

Croise's church is likely the reason for the rancor against him though. Since the church's arrival on our shores, Malych politicians have vocally dismissed it as a total fraud. This partly helped by the fact that Malychozoidal anatomy is fundamentally incompatible with one of the religion's key pieces of ritual equipment, a noise-prone, fancy ohmmeter costing a staggering 3000 Kts. (about $4000 USD), for the purpose of conducting a highly unscientific and widely disproven semblance of a polygraph test. The participant is supposed to hold a pair of metal cans, one in each hand, and then answer questions. Interpretation is then made on the alleged changes in resistance in the participant's body. You can probably see why Malych are incompatible with this procedure.

But the first mistake the church made was to use this incompatibility to support their thesis that Malychozoidal life forms were not actually alive. Ever since then, things deteriorated. In the 1970's the church was fined 20 million Kts. for a host of rather inscrutible technicalities, which ended up being overturned some time later. Then in the late 80's, a suspicion began to build over the disappearances of several young people. A secret RPA investigation revealed bizarre and cruel treatment and abuse taking place in the compound. This investigation culminated in the observation of recorded killings of 8 low-level church members who were supposedly being disciplined. The church members were from diverse background, including a Kazian who was apparently declared a missing person after their visa expired and they were unable to be located by the Apparat of State or relatives. RPA agent Trevor Kapohtarmigan took photos of the bodies before they were removed from the "Self-Introspection" cells where they were subjected to lethal doses of psychotropics. Trevor's photos and account of the investigation shocked the country.

Strangely enough, Trevor did actually have the chance to meet Tom Croise at one point at an estate dinner sometime in 2008.
Mr. Cruise left the dinner with a bruised rib and an injured jaw, after reportedly being "viciously assaulted" by a "unsuspectingly well-dressed raptor". Representatives of the star dropped charges after the Apparat of State threatened to detain and prosecute the star for conspiracy due to his affiliation with an organization tied to murders if he threatened Trevor in any way.
Then-Secretary Tajir, Halderyyt Phong stated, "I would probably have punched the shit-head out too. I do not blame this decorated hero who helped stop a homocidal organization for doing what he did."
In an interview, Trevor has said, "There is a single thing which I regret from the undercover investigation of the cult. That being: that I did not have the ability to get those 8 members out of there... [we] were spread out, and we were not sufficiently equipped for a confrontation... ...I regret [that] we did not anticipate such brutality to occur and that we were unable to stop it from happening."
Sadly, Agent Trevor Kapohtarmigan, who was awarded the Green Star and Iron Daisy medals for his efforts to bring down the cult, died in 2009 due to an apparent suicide, after battling dissociative mental illness for several years, alleged to have been the result of his 3 years spent in the cult during the RPA investigation.

So naturally, when Ghost Protocol came out, the distributor knew better.
The question is of course, at what point will people stop projecting all their rage onto Mr. Croise? Well, probably if and when Mr. Cruise denounces the cult he was so fanatical about. Until then, for better, but mostly for worse, he will be the face of it.

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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by The_ASE » Sun May 13, 2012 1:26 pm

Anean Medical Corps Acquires Prototype Carrier
Imperial News Center
The Anean Medical Corps, the main humanitarian organization in the Empire and, by extension, New Gracaria, has recently received the funds to purchase one of Emperor Xaimoungkhoun's newest projects. Running at about $800 billion dollars, the AMCS First Responder is the first known, and probably only, airborne aircraft carrier. Under AMC control, it will carry multiple shuttlecraft as well as transport helicopters to ferry medical supplies and the like to the ground, and move the injured to the vessel.

Currently the First Responder is awaiting deployment at New Gracaria while getting the last of its standard supplies and vehicles aboard. Emperor Xaimoungkhoun hopes that this move will gain global support for the Empire as it attempts to move away from military interventions, and more toward humanitarian intervention. Chancellor Soldavini, however, made it clear that he doesn't approve of making the vessel a civilian craft and pointed out it would be much better in the hands of the military.
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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by Holmbergsvania-BFPE » Wed May 16, 2012 11:01 am

BFPE Relocates!
Head Representative says: "We're better off alone"
Holmbergsvania Global Radio
It appears that Holmbergsvania will be feeling less crowded lately. BFPE Head Representative Colton Corvinus has stated before the Holmbergsvanian Congress that him and his people would likely be better off on their own, possibly moving into a region more suited to their interests.

"Our people have been traumatized and marginalized long enough" said Corvinus. "We have decided, all of us, to pack up and move to another region, getting out of your hair for good. We understand your reservations against us, and we realize how much we have contributed to the Holmbergsvanian riot problem. There is more land in the world that we can occupy and grow, and prosper. And perhaps we will open up diplomatic relations with Holmbergsvania as a separate entity."

The BFPE has requested the assistance of several merchant vessels in their migration to a new land that they have agreed will be called "Cubnistria," in the region of the "United Cub Nations." Holmbergsvanian officials have stated that they will allow the mass emigration, despite the loss in tax revenue. However, it is estimated that the smell will certainly decrease in intensity.

-Andre Wolfskie, Holmbergsvania Global Radio.

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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by miokalia » Sat May 26, 2012 6:15 pm


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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by miokalia » Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:36 pm

Apparat of State Releases Information from Post-UNEX Security Investigation

The Apparat of State has chosen to publicly release information from their side of an investigation of domestic security following the terrorist attack on the Kazian city of UNEX. The main purpose of the investigation was to heighten security measures in cities like Astroiya and Dopblaron, which are similar to, but smaller than UNEX.
The investigation revealed evidence of an illegal ammonium-nitrate explosive manufacturing operation having taken place in the Teulernian border town of Geschmacksache, and a trail of obfuscated funding leading back to somewhere in KZ and some key members of Teulern's radically conservative Imperial Horizon Party.
The IHP is considered an unconstitutional party by the federal government, but still operates at the state level in Teulern. Prior to the press release by the Apparat of State, the IHP home office was locked down by police.
The Apparat of State has determined that the explosives building operation in Geschmacksache may have been affiliated with the terrorist attack on UNEX, although it appeared as though the operation was in the process of finishing vehicular bombs shortly after the attack, possibly intended to be used against domestic targets. The possibility of it being a copycat operation has not been ruled out.
The Teulernian State Church has not issued a statement regarding their possible affiliation with the notoriously radical political party which may have helped fund the explosives operation.

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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by The_ASE » Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:50 pm

New Gracaria Begins Troop Withdrawals
Commonwealth Broadcasting
According to an official press conference by Commander Arris, New Gracaria is undertaking an operation to remove all the Commonwealth's forces from around the world. This order was approved by Emperor Xaimoungkhoun, who still has a division of Imperial soldiers on the ground in Aatuylva, though he made it clear that this could set a poor precedent for New Gracaria, which usually stood by any allies.

Arris, in the conference said, "We are not abandoning our allies. This is a strategic move to ensure stability at home. We maintain the ability to deploy forces anywhere in the world within a day or less, this just saves us on the cost of maintaining soldiers overseas."

Already the first AGF soldiers have begun to withdraw from Aatuylva and surrounding countries while the NGDF has been slower to withdraw.

Current AGF and NGDF Troop Deployments:
Aatuylva: 20,000 AGF/Up to 2,500 NGDF
Aluez: 75 AGF/20,000 NGDF
Holmbergsvania: 25 AGF/100 NGDF
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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by miokalia » Mon Aug 06, 2012 9:15 pm

Andertol Sends Chik-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy A Basket of Dildos
as well as several boxes of exlax and a can of Sanka

Sd. Aptr. Hiyike Andertol has reportedly sent the "care package" to the controversial figure after throngs of anti-gay supporters showed their support for the CEO's radical social-conservative statements pertaining to gay rights.
Andertol has stated that the State will not block any permits filed domestically by the company as some American mayors have indicated they will do in their own cities.
However, Andertol has reaffirmed that the status of the religious affiliation of the company, The American Southern Baptist denomination will continue to be listed as a Cult Organization: Hate-Based on the grounds of it's unapologetic propagation of hateful ideologies against specific groups of people, which essentially bars it from organized operation within the country. Andertol then reiterated that the American Southern Baptist denomination has been listed as a Cult Organization: Hate-Based since 1960 when the organization proudly and overtly supported segregationist politicians in the United States. Additionally, the organization's continued dismissal of evolution theory, scientific cosmology and the scientific method in general has resulted in the declaration of distribution of all of the cult-specific literary materials constituting Libel and Capital Fraud, essentially forbidding their publishing within the State.
Andertol finished by saying that "Of course I believe that Dan deserves free speech. I just don't think he really should be in such a position of power with such preposterously radical beliefs. Obviously something has failed in that society when someone can actually work systematically alienating a segment of the population into a corporate strategy and not actually face any of the logical consequences that should follow. 10 years down the road though: the supporters will have forgotten, but those marginalized persons will still be boycotting the business. It seems like this plan has diminishing returns. Perhaps they might pick another group to marginalize?"

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Re: Channel 7 News

Post by Killer Zoids » Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:02 pm

The Capital Times - LimX->Inf Cos(X)/X + 1 Cr
Silly CFA Sit Ins
All across Killer Zoids yesterday, members and supporters of the LGBT population were visiting Chik-Fil-A restaurants, ordering a soda, sitting down, and talking to regular patrons about the about the racist views of one of the CFA board of directors and encouraging people to enjoy their "Moarz Chikin".

"We figured a boycott would send the wrong message. Something like 'Gays hate food' so instead we all sorta figured, if all these people made a media spectacle of it, maybe the news would spread around the world. And like. Change. And Hope, and stuff", a cross dressing fox commented, while sitting in the lap of his husband.

A Dalmation man wearing leather chaps and a rainbow haircut, claiming to be the CFA Cow was handing out free panties to folks in the parking lot outside of the French St CFA, in downtown Capital.

When asked for comment, all he said was "Eeet moar chikin". Bystanders commented that the man had been there every day for a week, and was later discovered to be a mental patient escaped from St. Renard's Psychiatric Hospital, in Kings. The panties were detailed with the text of the Kazian "Equality Act of 1932", surrounded by stone tablets, much like the commandments.

With no danger to civil rights in Killer Zoids at stake, Kazian CFA owners immediately used the publicity to in fact sell more chicken, but many also voiced their own personal opinions on the matter, and denounced the lack of vision in the corporate entity above them.

Axel Packard, owner of the French St CFA, quoted "We get signage and food supplier information from CFA Corporate, but this CFA is mine. I'm not here to do anything else but feed my own family and sell our delicious chicken sandwiches. My employees are friendly and almost as diverse as the folks in here today. We take the CFA name, but we don't take the politics."

While some may argue that a CFA is a CFA, the sentiment of Mr. Plackard is shared among many, if not all Kazian owned CFAs. Let's face it, 47% of all couples in Killer Zoids are biologically same-sex. (10% cannot be so easily classified). To alienate 1 in 2 people is a horrendous business move. Foxes love chicken. Foxes also love foxes from all walks of life.

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